Back To The Feature – Part XIII CHRISTMAS SPECIAL!




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St Nicholas Approximate Age 70

This week I was so honored to have someone so famous for this Christmas special of Back To The Feature. Taking time out from his busy schedule fellow father, Father Christmas writes to his younger self.

Dear Nicholas

A LOT of time has passed since I was you. The year for you is around 340 AD and at the age of 70 you probably feel that your life will soon be coming to an end. Thankfully you are wrong your kindness will reward you with immortality and in 1676 years you are still going strong! Your acts of selflessness in giving gifts to the children have resulted in your name becoming legend around the world. You will become the patron saint of children and Sailors (long story!). Over the years you have adopted many names: Sinter Klaus, Santa Claus, Kris Kringle, Father Christmas (The first too is down to accent and the pronunciation of ‘St Nicholas’ and you are probably the most famous person in THE WORLD.

There is a catch though, although your parents passed away and left you lots of money I know their deaths have been hard, however use this as positive to look at how you can use the money left to set up and continue to improve the lives of others. Your plans to deliver presents to those children in need really take off.  You will have a few of your own children, 1.9 billion to be exact! and you will share your kindness among them. It will start with you delivering gifts to a few of them however you will have to expand your operation. You will need a bigger HQ so you will need to move from Turkey to The North Pole. You will also need a workforce…elves are great for this as they are hard little workers.  You will be able to find them guarding pagan homes in Scandinavia against evil.

jonathan_g_meath_portrays_santa_claus
St Nicholas Approximate Age 1746

You would eventually work out how to visit all 1.9 billion children in one night, however to save time here is what you need to know:

You have 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth (if you travel west) This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each believing household (there will be those who do not have faith in the service you provide, mostly adults who lack imagination) with good children (This slashes numbers quite considerably as at the end of the day you do not want to be rewarding bad behavior), you have  1/1000th of a second for each delivery. Your 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth, this is 78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles. This means your sleigh will need to move at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. See easy! Alternatively you could use magic!

All the best and enjoy the coming years!

St Nicholas

 




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